Note: Click here if you want to hear Empty Plate's refusal to accept responsibility for this incident.
Two days before Thanksgiving, mom went to the grocery store and bought a giant frozen turkey. That bird was so big it almost didn’t fit in the freezer. Later that day, our neighbor visited, and started talking about his new turkey fryer. I loved the idea and was going to ask if I could borrow it sometime. Before I could ask, dad cut me off and said “Empty, you’ve had enough deep-fried food.” Our neighbor and my dad enjoyed a good laugh at my expense. Mom and I gave dad a dirty look, but he kept laughing.
When Thanksgiving came around, I spied our neighbor reading instructions and setting up his turkey fryer on his wooden deck. After he was finished, he came over to ask mom if she had any pecans she could spare. She said she had already used all the ones I hadn’t eaten in a sweet potato casserole. He said, “Shoot! Guess I’ll have to go to the grocery store.” Finally! My opportunity had arrived. The grocery store was 45 minutes away. We have a dime store and a mall in Simpleton, but no grocery store. We buy our groceries in Dullard.
While mom was whipping up the taters, I took the turkey out of the freezer, stuffed it in my shirt and smuggled it through the kitchen. I didn’t think she saw me, but mom told me to be careful with the turkey fryer as I tiptoed behind her. She has a seventh sense about these things. Before I got out of the house, I heard her tell dad to go with our neighbor and pick up another turkey. He asked what happened to the one she got the day before. She said she had to throw it out, because it accidentally thawed out and spoiled.
After they left, I sneaked over to our neighbor’s deck. I noticed he left a jug of oil next to the fryer, but he hadn’t filled the pot. My plan was to fry the turkey quickly, and wash the pot before they returned. I filled the fryer to the top and turned on the gas. While the oil heated up, I removed the turkey from its wrappings. The only thing that wasn’t obvious to me was how to lower the turkey into the fryer. When the oil was hot enough, I decided to drop the turkey into the pot.
The turkey shot out of the pot like a cannon ball and landed in our yard. Nothing got on me, but the burner set the oil and the deck on fire. I hurried home and asked mom how to call 911. She told me to pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1. Before the Simpleton Fire Department arrived, I threw away the turkey. As mother and I watched the firemen battle the blaze, we drank hot chocolate, talked about our neighbor’s misfortune and told one another other how thankful we were for the comfort and safety of hearth and home.
Two days before Thanksgiving, mom went to the grocery store and bought a giant frozen turkey. That bird was so big it almost didn’t fit in the freezer. Later that day, our neighbor visited, and started talking about his new turkey fryer. I loved the idea and was going to ask if I could borrow it sometime. Before I could ask, dad cut me off and said “Empty, you’ve had enough deep-fried food.” Our neighbor and my dad enjoyed a good laugh at my expense. Mom and I gave dad a dirty look, but he kept laughing.
When Thanksgiving came around, I spied our neighbor reading instructions and setting up his turkey fryer on his wooden deck. After he was finished, he came over to ask mom if she had any pecans she could spare. She said she had already used all the ones I hadn’t eaten in a sweet potato casserole. He said, “Shoot! Guess I’ll have to go to the grocery store.” Finally! My opportunity had arrived. The grocery store was 45 minutes away. We have a dime store and a mall in Simpleton, but no grocery store. We buy our groceries in Dullard.
While mom was whipping up the taters, I took the turkey out of the freezer, stuffed it in my shirt and smuggled it through the kitchen. I didn’t think she saw me, but mom told me to be careful with the turkey fryer as I tiptoed behind her. She has a seventh sense about these things. Before I got out of the house, I heard her tell dad to go with our neighbor and pick up another turkey. He asked what happened to the one she got the day before. She said she had to throw it out, because it accidentally thawed out and spoiled.
After they left, I sneaked over to our neighbor’s deck. I noticed he left a jug of oil next to the fryer, but he hadn’t filled the pot. My plan was to fry the turkey quickly, and wash the pot before they returned. I filled the fryer to the top and turned on the gas. While the oil heated up, I removed the turkey from its wrappings. The only thing that wasn’t obvious to me was how to lower the turkey into the fryer. When the oil was hot enough, I decided to drop the turkey into the pot.
The turkey shot out of the pot like a cannon ball and landed in our yard. Nothing got on me, but the burner set the oil and the deck on fire. I hurried home and asked mom how to call 911. She told me to pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1. Before the Simpleton Fire Department arrived, I threw away the turkey. As mother and I watched the firemen battle the blaze, we drank hot chocolate, talked about our neighbor’s misfortune and told one another other how thankful we were for the comfort and safety of hearth and home.
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