Expresso

Empty Plate's car crash
©Deyangeorgiev
Dreams.com|Fotolia

One day while my old man was snoozing, I borrowed his keys, took his car out for a spin and drove to Walmart. I also took his credit card, and used it to buy a jug of water, ground coffee and a Road Warrior expresso machine. When I got back to the car, I opened the box, tossed the instructions and slapped the parts together until the machine looked sort of like the picture on the box.


While I was driving home on the Simpleton Expressway, I leaned down to grab the jug of water. When I came back up, I had to slam the brakes and swerve to avoid hitting the idiot who stopped in front of me. I shot him a dirty look while I poured the water into my expresso machine. It overflowed. After I got going again, I opened the coffee, poured it into the machine and mashed the "Start" button. The burpolator hissed at me. It sure didn't sound like any burpolator I remember. Then, a light turned on and said, “Enjoy your beverage.”

That’s when I remembered that the box said "Cup sold separately." The only way I could drink my beverage was to pick up the machine, cock my head back, press the lever and suck the nozzle. Just as I tried that, I jolted forward and splashed hot expresso all over my shirt. The knucklehead two cars ahead stopped for a duck!

When the man in the Smokey the Bear hat arrived, I was shaken, but I explained that the accident wasn't my fault. To add insult to injury, Daffy Duck looked me straight in the eye and quacked me to scorn as he waddled from the scene of the accident to Lake Aflack.


Instead of arresting Duck Dodgers, Smokey the Bear wrote ME a ticket and called a wrecker, who took me to an auto repair shop along with dad's car. The shop owner gave me an estimate, but I told him I didn't want to hear numbers. I just wanted dad's car back. When he asked about my insurance, I ducked out, found a payphone and called home collect. Dad didn't accept my first call; mom made him take the second.

Before asking me how I was, dad wanted to know what had happened to his car. I asked if I could speak to mom. As if she knew I was in pain, mom asked if I was hurt. I explained that I had bought an expresso machine for their car, and was testing it when some hammerhead slammed on his brakes for a duck. Through her tears, I heard her tell dad I had been in a traumatic accident. I heard dad say I was putting on the water works, and mom ripped into him for the next five minutes.

When mom came back to the horn, she said a taxi would  pick me up, and that she'd have a hot supper waiting for me when I got home.