Empty Plate: CNN Hero of the Year?

On December 2, 2012, CNN gave a lady named Pushup Basket their Hero of the Year award.  All she does is herd up children who have parents in jail and send them to school somewheres. That ain’t what I call a good deed. Sending anyone to school is downright mean. What’s worse? Sending a feller to jail or sending him to school? You don’t have to tell me which one. I know. Time in the slammer is a playground compared to school. In school, they expect you to do homework and take tests.

No sir, I don’t think Pushup Basket did those rug rats any favors. In prison, they wouldn’t have had homework. Now they won’t be able to work their way out of it. No matter how much they get done, there will always be more homework. What kind of tyrant is that woman? In prison, they would have had three hots and a cot at taxpayer expense. Now they’ve got to go out, get a job, pay taxes and scrape together little they have left every month to buy a few beans and taters. What kind of life is that? Prison life would have been much kinder to them. Shame on Pushup Basket!

I think CNN should change their minds and make me Hero of the Year. They can tell Pushup Basket they made a mistake. She’s a good sport, and it won’t hurt her feelings. On the other hand, I’ll be crushed if I don’t win the prize along with a supper and dessert. There’s still time for them to withdraw the prize from Pushup Basket and give it to me. What’s keeping them?

My reasons are tighter than the spandex shorts I wore to church yesterday. First of all, I have to endure constant demands from my old man, Fuller Plate. He’s always telling me to pick up after myself and turn off the lights when I leave a room. I am 76 years old, and old buzzard beak treats me like a six-year-old brat. I’d like dad to go to jail, but no one wants to arrest him. They all say he’s a nice feller. If only they knew him like I know him.

My mom, China Plate, says I’m her hero. Don’t take my word for it. Ask her. Every day she says I deserve a medal for braving it out in this cold, cruel life. She’ll tell you I’ve never had a job for more than a few hours, because my employers didn’t understand my special needs or the talent I brought to the table. She’s absolutely right!

Finally, I’m hungry. I want one of them fancy meals thrown in my honor. I expect people to toast me while I eat and drink all I can. If I can’t get enough during dinner, everyone should turn the other way while I stuff my pockets with food.

That there’s why I think I should be CNN Hero of the Year. I deserve that award.