Deck your Host with Christmas Brawling

Christmas party ©Fotowerk
(licensed to Bill Graham by Fotolia)

I went to a Christmas party last night. No, I wasn’t invited, but I figured no one would notice if I wore my bright red shirt. I’d blend right in, and everything would be fine. I almost got away with it too, but someone noticed me taking sips out of the eggnog bowl with the ladle. There weren’t any cups left. I didn’t have time to wait around for more. I needed a drink. Just as I was taking my third or fourth sip, a tough guy came over and asked if I had been invited to the party.

“Yes,” I said somewhat sheepishly.

“Would you mind telling me who asked you,” he asked.

“I don’t remember,” I said. “I forgot his name.”

Pointing into my chest, the tough guy said, “If anyone would have asked you, it would have been me. This is my house.”

“Oh,” I said. “I’m sorry. I lost your invitation.”

“What’s your name,” he asked.

“Empty Plate,” I said.

“Well Empty,” he said as he continued pointing into my chest, “I want you out of here in three seconds or else I’m going to pick you up and throw you out. I don’t appreciate you eating my food and drinking out of my punch bowl.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, “You forgot one thing.”

Losing patience, he asked me what he forgot. I told him it was Christmas, the time for giving.

“Oh that’s right,” he said. “Why you’re absolutely right. Christmas is the time for giving. What would you like me to give you”?

“A nice piece of pumpkin pie, some ice cream and a cup of coffee,” I said.

“Empty,” he said, “I think I can help you.”

“Really,” I asked.

“Really,” he said, “Come on over here. I have something for you.”

I followed him to another table that was loaded down with cake, pie and cookies. When he picked up the pumpkin pie, I thought he was going to give it to me. He smiled at me. What was I supposed to think? Then, I saw him rear back, but I noticed a cookie on the floor just as he was about to throw the pie. When I went for the cookie, the host threw the pie into the face of his friend’s fiancée. It smeared all over her face and fell onto her pretty new dress. Immediately, she began to cry. When the friend saw his sweetheart was hurt, he went over to tough guy and decked him.

After the first blow, they got into a huge brawl and a crowd gathered around. I ate cookies and cake while I rooted for the friend. The fight went on for five rounds before the host took one on the chin and passed out. By that time, I had eaten three pies.

Before I left, I walked over to the host’s friend, slapped him on the back and congratulated him for his fancy footwork. He thanked me and said, “Merry Christmas, man.”

As an aside, I heard the people in the party break out in full-throated harmonized singing after I got outside. It went something like this:

Stanza 1

Deck your host with Christmas brawling,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
‘Tis the season to be falling,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Don we now our fray apparel,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Roll your host just like a barrel,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

 

Stanza 2

See the blasted mule before us,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Strike the host and join the chorus.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Follow me, and we will measure,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Just how long he stands the pressure,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

 

Stanza 3

Fast away our old host passes,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Hail the new champ lads and lasses,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Sing we taunts and slurs together,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Push him over with a feather,

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Empty Plate: CNN Hero of the Year?

On December 2, 2012, CNN gave a lady named Pushup Basket their Hero of the Year award.  All she does is herd up children who have parents in jail and send them to school somewheres. That ain’t what I call a good deed. Sending anyone to school is downright mean. What’s worse? Sending a feller to jail or sending him to school? You don’t have to tell me which one. I know. Time in the slammer is a playground compared to school. In school, they expect you to do homework and take tests.

No sir, I don’t think Pushup Basket did those rug rats any favors. In prison, they wouldn’t have had homework. Now they won’t be able to work their way out of it. No matter how much they get done, there will always be more homework. What kind of tyrant is that woman? In prison, they would have had three hots and a cot at taxpayer expense. Now they’ve got to go out, get a job, pay taxes and scrape together little they have left every month to buy a few beans and taters. What kind of life is that? Prison life would have been much kinder to them. Shame on Pushup Basket!

I think CNN should change their minds and make me Hero of the Year. They can tell Pushup Basket they made a mistake. She’s a good sport, and it won’t hurt her feelings. On the other hand, I’ll be crushed if I don’t win the prize along with a supper and dessert. There’s still time for them to withdraw the prize from Pushup Basket and give it to me. What’s keeping them?

My reasons are tighter than the spandex shorts I wore to church yesterday. First of all, I have to endure constant demands from my old man, Fuller Plate. He’s always telling me to pick up after myself and turn off the lights when I leave a room. I am 76 years old, and old buzzard beak treats me like a six-year-old brat. I’d like dad to go to jail, but no one wants to arrest him. They all say he’s a nice feller. If only they knew him like I know him.

My mom, China Plate, says I’m her hero. Don’t take my word for it. Ask her. Every day she says I deserve a medal for braving it out in this cold, cruel life. She’ll tell you I’ve never had a job for more than a few hours, because my employers didn’t understand my special needs or the talent I brought to the table. She’s absolutely right!

Finally, I’m hungry. I want one of them fancy meals thrown in my honor. I expect people to toast me while I eat and drink all I can. If I can’t get enough during dinner, everyone should turn the other way while I stuff my pockets with food.

That there’s why I think I should be CNN Hero of the Year. I deserve that award.