Part 2: disaster chases opportunity away
Note: You will understand this entry better if you read Part 1. Click here if you want to find out what led up to this disaster.
My problems began after I sat in the high chair. The pins holding my costume together kept popping open. I might as well have been wearing a loin cloth. My training pants were just too small. My belly hides everything I’ve got down there, but it’s embarrassing. I wanted to ask for another diaper, but they couldn’t have found one in time. Holding up my costume, I started looking for a substitute. I needed a way out.
Thankfully, I found a fancy table cloth draped over an old
wooden bureau. It was a lot bigger than that little strip of cloth they wanted
me to use. Now all I needed was something strong enough to pin it together. I found
two medals on an old uniform and used them for my pins. It worked!
I sat down on the high chair to put on my new diaper. I don’t
remember how it happened, but I accidentally grabbed the cloth from the refreshment
table and pinned it to the cloth I had wrapped around my waste. The high chair
was right next to the refreshment table. It was decked out with ice sculptures,
fondues, finger sandwiches, champagne, punch, chocolate-covered strawberries,
shrimp, cake, pie and cookies. Everything you’d ever wanted to put in your gullet was there. My mouth began to water.
Temptation overcame me, and that’s when disaster struck.
Just as I got up to swipe a sandwich, the table cloth ripped the medal from
the left side of my diaper. At the same time, my nappy yanked all of the
refreshments off of the table. The food and drinks went flying; a can of sterno
ignited my behind. I tried to put out the flame, but I heard startled voices
coming down the hall.
I slipped out the back door, and hurried into the woods. It
wasn’t easy holding up one end of the cloth with my right hand and swatting my
behind with my left.
I just tuned into an AM station on the radio. The reporter said
a vandal had ruined
the New Year’s gala and fund raiser at the Art Museum by dumping the refreshments over and setting a small fire. Someone took a picture
of him running into the woods with flames licking his hind quarters. There was
a reward out.
That’s not the worst of it. I just found out the diaper I’m
wearing was made by Betsy Ross. The medals belonged to George Washington. They
found one of them in the museum. I lost the other one in the woods. They were
on loan from the Smithsonian!
I extinguished the flames by sitting down in the snow and held the
diaper up with my hands all the way back. I didn’t soil it, but it sure looks
that way with all the burn marks and champagne stains around the edges and the
back side. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do it. Well how was I supposed to know
they were priceless American treasures?
